Perfectionism Paralysis and Stepping Out of the Boat

Hi, my name is Ryann and I am a perfectionist. There, I said it. Well, actually, I've said it over and over again, talked about it with friends and family, and spent a great deal of time and money talking to a psychologist about it. I've journaled about it, spent nights awake thinking about it, driven myself crazy about it, searched Bible verses to counteract it, and cried and prayed more prayers than I can recount about it. Perfectionism has been a constant for me all my life. It has, in some ways, made aspects of my life better-school, grades, sports, etc., but for the most part, the drive to be perfect has caused more harm than good.

Perfectionism has blocked the joy of the ordinary, the inspiration to try new things, the courage to be myself with all my scars, and has paralyzed me more times than I would like to admit. I have hidden instead of being me. I have chosen "safety" versus joy and inspiration. I have sat on the sidelines instead of participating. I have quit new things before I started or at the first sign of struggle. I have driven myself (and quite frankly those around me) crazy at times--so why, why now at 47 years old would I risk starting a new business? Even more so, why would I risk being myself on social media? Why would I risk safety for inspiration? Simply put, in order to dive into my passion, I have to step out of the boat!

Matthew 14:22-33 recounts the story of Jesus walking on water and Peter joining him." Jesus and the disciples had been busy feeding a crowd of 5000 from 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes and Jesus had sent his disciples ahead of him in a boat across the lake. He stayed behind to rest and pray. In the middle of the night, while far from the safety of the shore, the boat was hit with strong wind and heavy waves, and the disciples were understandably scared. "In the midst of their fear, Jesus came walking on the water out to them and told them, 'Take courage. I am here!'" Notice, the wind and waves didn't stop yet, but here is Jesus asking them to be courageous and trust because he is with them. Then comes Peter... he asks Jesus if it is really him, could he come out and walk on the water too. Jesus obliges and tells Peter to come. Peter got out of the boat and started walking towards Jesus, but the wind and waves continued and Peter looked around, became fearful, and started to sink. He shouted for help and Jesus immediately grabbed him, but asked him why he doubted (I mean for real...he had just seen Jesus take a measly 5 loaves and 2 fishes and feed 5000 people with leftovers, so why would he doubt?). They both got into the boat and then the waves and wind stopped. It was then, after the storm was over, the disciples truly knew it was Jesus and they worshipped him.

To be honest, perfectionism has been my boat. I have faced many storms (cancer, losing a spouse, and others I may talk about later), and I'd like to say the boat has kept me safe and dry and that the storms didn't leave me clinging to debris in the middle of the ocean of life, but it didn't. Yet, for some reason, I have continued to rebuild the perfectionism boat and tried to insulate it better over and over again in the hopes that this time it would hold. But now it is time to get out of the boat!! I am scared; the wind and waves of fear of failure, imposter syndrome, learning new tech (YIKES) have threatened to overwhelm me. I have taken my eyes off Jesus and what he is asking me to do with this new chapter and felt myself sinking, tempted to climb back in the boat. But, when those waves come, I am choosing (sometimes a million times a day) to keep my eyes on Jesus. For when I do, the wind and the waves die away, and my Rock and Redeemer stands ready to walk on the water with me.

So, I'm out of the boat and praying that God will continue to hold my hand and use me in this new venture. As 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.'" I am weak and prone to boat-clinging perfectionism, but he is strong....my life is Grace in Motion.